I just turned 35 years old and I am, once again, learning who the real me is. I know who I want to be, who I try to be, but I haven’t achieved that goal just yet. I realize that my bad choices have gotten me to where I am in my life right now, and there is so much work that I must undertake before I will be the person I want to be. In my quest to grow, I’ve pondered many events that have happened in my life in the hopes that I will recognize harmful patterns before they can hurt me again. And guess what…? I had a major realization the other day.
In 2000, my friend Trisha introduced me to a man she had met through a dating service. They went on a date, didn’t click, but she thought of me! When she introduced us, I was taken by him immediately. He told me he was an airplane mechanic in the Air Force and a body builder (although the later was very, very obvious). He was such a nice guy that I feel almost guilty for what I am about to confess.
I was fresh off the heels of a divorce, say, two or three months after having signed the papers, very vulnerable, very needy and not very much of a solid person. At the time, my friends had convinced me that I what I really needed was to jump head first into the dating pool and get those first few stumbling blocks (i.e. bad dates!) out of the way. I knew deep down that this was a disastrous choice, but I leapt anyway.
Anyway, I dated this man for about six months total. He provided fun and companionship and took me to some very good movies and restaurants. But it always seemed there was something missing between us. There never really was any spark and I didn’t feel any butterflies. He didn’t really make me laugh or inspire me to think deeply about anything. We had very little in common; he liked crotch-rockets and I’d rather read a good book. All in all, he just wasn’t my type.
I knew somewhere in the beginning that it wouldn’t work, but I tried to convince myself that it could work. I weighed the pros and cons I was recognizing in our young relationship, and even though the cons far outweighed the pros, I kept him around just so that I didn’t have to feel lonely.
When we broke up it wasn’t because of my realizations that I was compromising my own integrity. It wasn’t because I felt like a bad person, knowing I was carrying on in this relationship even though there was no hope for the future. No. It had nothing to do with me being an upstanding person, because I wasn’t a good person at all. We broke up because the military had him shipped out to Afghanistan. He sent me a few emails, called a few times and after about three weeks, I never heard from him again.
So, did I take this time to heal? Did I reflect on the pitfalls of this relationship, seeking a sense of renewal as a human being? No. I did not. Instead I continued on my downward spiral of being emotionally unavailable and desperately seeking “fun.” I found many reasons to justify this unenlightened and self destructive path ~ Pat was smart, Frank was fun, Ryan was artsy. All of them allowed me to explore these very traits within myself. I rationalized my ‘denial of true self’ by telling myself, “This is what dating is all about. Learning about them so that I can learn about myself.”
What I did not do is spend any time with myself to learn about myself.
So here and now I am in the very situation I was in during the Summer of 2000. Fresh off the heels of an intense and passionate relationship, I met a very nice man through a dating service. I liked him. I really and truly did feel butterflies and I positively swooned like a school girl when he’d call. Someone at work commented that I had never looked better, I was radiant and beautiful and definitely in love.
And then somewhere in our seven month courtship, the butterflies disappeared. I tried to break it off a number of times. I explained that I needed time alone. I tried to make him understand that what I really need is healing and self awareness. He became more persistent, so I became passive-aggressive hoping he’d be run off by my bitchiness.
[Editor's Note: Wait…that is not really true, about being passive aggressive. I did tell him to back off. I had every right to be bitchy with him because he refused to respect my boundaries.] But then I’d get nostalgic, thinking he’s a neat person and that if I had met him any other way, he’d be a very cool friend. So I’d call him and ask him to help me with whatever crisis I am experiencing in my life at the moment. And he does his best to help, I am sure with hopes of reconciling.
And then it hit me. I realized that I am once again trying to convince myself that this could work, even though I know in my heart ~have known in my heart for some time now~ that it simply would not work.
So I know now that I have a lot of work to do in the honesty department. I have to tell him my true feelings. I have to be sincere and I pray to the Lord that what I say is true and right and for His will.
I have a lot of work to do.
Today is the first day in a very long time that I felt like Wonder Woman. I was all alone, no kids and no boyfriend to distract me and I got so much work accomplished. I went out with my girlfriends last night, and it was so wonderful to connect with them on a truly female level, doing what girlfriends do best…gabbing and laughing and understanding each other the way no other creatures can. I feel this healing process is necessary and what’s more is that it’s starting to work. I am awakening to the person I dream of being and I am learning just who the real me is.
