*Note to Aquarius: when workable options are eliminated too early because they feel restrictive, breakthrough can turn into breakdown.
Sometimes I just don’t understand why I feel the way I do. Nor do I understand why I do the things that I do.
For me, its all about the freedom from commitment. I can make plans, but I feel best when they are “penciled in.” Often times, I make plans and change them at the last minute. I’m not sure why, but I am wondering if this is a control thing for me? Having a nebulous itinerary keeps me happy; when things are etched in stone, I become resentful. WHY? I just don’t know.
I am really struggling right now with the fact that I made the commitment to have an in-home Naked Truth party in two weeks. Why do I feel resentful over the fact that I must put together a list of people to invite, open up my home and have a good time?
This should be a fun event, and right now I am worried that a) no one will show up, b) those who do show up will not have a good time, c) my house is a horrible mess, d) people will think my house is filthy, e) I have to put together some treats/ appetizers that everyone will enjoy, f) I won’t have good beer/wine/ drinks for all to enjoy, g) they will be resentful of me because I am asking them to come to my home and buy something, h) my friend (the party consultant) will not earn enough points to get her bonus, i) and, uh, oops…my neurosis is showing.
But, oh, the madness goes on.
However, after reviewing what I just wrote, I think I may have figured out something…I think my issue is not about my fear of commitment, but rather it’s about letting others down. Ultimately, my aim is to please others and I can not stand it if someone is upset with me in the slightest. So, if I don’t make the effort to please others in the first place…then it is not my fault if I let them down, right?
Hu. Interesting.
Okaaaaay….now that I’ve had a moment of clarity I think I will try and change this attitude. I have some work to do…this is some old baggage, after all.
For starters, I must get my invitations out today! I have a party to plan for…
